What Do We 'Owe' Our Parents?

By Suzanne Gerber, editor of the Living & Learning channel for Next Avenue

Talk about a hot-button issue. With almost 6 million Americans 85 or older, a number expected to jump up to more than 14 million by 2040, our country is struggling to provide adequate care.

Last June, More magazine conducted a nationwide survey of 751 men and women 18 and older with the hopes of giving some definition and parameters to this situation. In their September issue (and coming to More.com on October 22) they published the results of this enlightening study.

If you could reduce the findings to one sentence, it would be that most Americans (81%) plan to help care for their aging parents. That's the good news. But the not-so-good news is that more than a quarter said they didn't know what was involved or how to plan for it. (Obviously they're not reading NextAvenue.)

(MORE: How to Care for Your Parent Without Losing Your Job)

How Will We Care for Mom and Dad?

The survey also found that men are more optimistic about eldercare than women are. "The reason men have a more positive attitude is that a lot of them take a can-do approach to family life," noted Lisa Gwyther, director of the Family Support Program at Duke University Center for the Study of Aging. "They view it as 'This is a problem to be solved; I can fix this.' Women may be more aware of grief, sadness and loss, as well as how the burden of eldercare is affecting them."

Many experts also feel there could be a "perception vs. reality" gap. They note that women still do the bulk of the work. As More reported, women tend to "assume an emotional, nurturing role and handle personal tasks such as bathing, while men take on more practical chores, like handling finances or house repairs."

It's not that women aren't willing to take on financial responsibility. It's just that across every age group they don't always have the means, or the confidence in their financial future, to make the offer.

Another question the survey asked was what people would be willing to give up to care for their parents. The findings: daily lifestyle, 55% (60% women, 50% men); big-ticket items like car, vacations, electronics: 38%; retirements savings: 23%; value of own home: 15%; children's education fund: 7%.

But the question that really got me thinking — and feeling and projecting into my own life — was about motivation: why the respondents would act the way they said they would. Almost half (46%) said it was out of a sense of duty, a quarter (26%) said out of love, and 11% said they felt it was their moral obligation.

(MORE: How to Be a Loving Advocate for Your Parents)

What Do You Feel You Owe Your Parents?

Among my peers, conversations about our parents are frequent, but interestingly, the question "what do we 'owe' them" has never come up. So when I heard about the More survey, I reached out to a number of them to hear their thoughts.

A younger friend with still-robust, independent parents doesn't feel any sense of debt. "But I want to give them love and friendship and all the support that I can give them (and that they are willing to accept from me)." Her story is complicated by the fact that her folks, who live 3,000 miles away, are fundamentalist Christians and she's gay.